56 days. And everything to complain about.

I hate this. But, Kellen is growing wonderfully! I'm depressed. I really want nothing more than our own house with a yard for Karson and Kellen to play and a space to call our own. And a shower that we don't have to share. I miss being able to wake up every morning happier. I want nothing more than to spend every day with MY little family. I don't want to hear about what I should or need to do. It's up to Kyle and I and anything that has to do with Karson or Kellens lives are in OUR control.
//end rant

Christmas Eve and 63 more days :)

Today is a day that is sort of harder to handle. While I love Christmas, it is crazy to think I won't be able to spend it where I normally am, at my moms house and then my grandmas. I am blessed to have two families that want to see me, and honestly maybe even three. I just wish this time of the year was easier. My mom is going through such a rough time and I hate that I can't make it better. My dad and stepmom bought me amazing gifts for Christmas, but I was so excited to see them and have Kyle with me, that I didn't even care what I got. My mom is coming over today to Kyles side of the family so we can do Christmas. All I want for Christmas is to see her happy. It is the hardest thing in the world to know she's not as happy as she should be. I love her though and that's the only things I can do or offer to her. She's wonderful but just hurting. Can't blame her there.
Kellen and I are doing a okay. No more hospital trips, no nothing. He moves regularly and Kyle has even started reading to him at night. Our little family is doing so well. I just wanna keep it going. I wanna keep everyone happy and be pleasant.
I want everything how Christmas in my mind should be. I can't believe I'm growing up :/

12 days till Christmas

74 days till Kellen Andrew is due and only 12 till Christmas. It breaks my heart that my mom isn't in the Christmas spirit. I can't stand that the stepcreep is soaking all of the enjoyment and happiness from her. I wish I could help her make things better, but I'm not good at it because she lets herself be tormented with him. I'd give almost anything for her to be happy again. I can't stand how much he brings her down. :/
Kellen is doing well. As of today my finals are finished and I have one more semester before graduation. I can't give up now! I am looking forward to a new chapter in my life. His arrival won't make things best, but he will bring too much joy to me. Day one of internship is Monday. No breaks for this momma.
Everything works out.
Nap time. More later<3

84 days. And I thought I couldn't do it

With 84 days left until my due date, I can't believe how close it is. I am of course excited, scared, nervous, flustered. But I know that I can handle it, mostly because I have Kyle right behind me telling me we can.
Kyle and I talked last night for the first time about how long it's actually been since we found out about the baby. We were thinking about when the baby was possibly conceived, and the fact that we were not ready. But someone obviously thought we were. Neither one of us could have done this alone.
Kyle is getting more excited by the day and so am I. I want to give Kellen everything I can and hopefully he will see how much I try to be a good mom. Kyle was laying with his head on my belly last night, an every night occurrence anymore, and Kellen kicked him so hard that his head bounced! We've got a scrapper in there! (: I hope he's as wonderful as I have him pegged in my mind to be, but I also bet he's even more wonderful.

At least things are going smoothly with Kellen and Kyle and Karson.
:)

Holidays are rough..

With everything going on with my pregnancy, even more is going on in the actual world around me. I wish everyone could spend more time happy. And honestly, we've been doing well with happy here. Kyle and I are doing great and it's so nice to have him help me out especially because I've been sort of down lately. I know people worry that there will be depression worse after I have the baby, but I'm excited to say I think this baby will help more when he's here. I'm so stressed out and praying for everything to work that I don't know what else to do. I really hope all this stress goes away. I have 91 days. And they are moving slower and slower. It's hard to focus on school and work when I wanna get excited about the baby. :(

ER visits and Vicodin oh Happy Thanksgving too

I can't believe I had to go to the ER november 20th. Stomach pains and swollen lip :/
Never had pains like that before and I'm still getting them. I was at the hospital for quite a while when finally the lady said possible kidney stones. Rough. And they can't do anything for my lip. I was gonna buy abreva but it's expensive. So just praying it goes away.
Here's to hoping

And of course. Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry that I don't feel like I need one day to be thankful for everything, I have all day every day for that.
But today, I am thankful to have a wonderful family, from every angle. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my belly. I am thankful for my sets of parents and grandparents that have never given up on me.
And of course, I am thankful for Kyle and my little booboo. And even though I'm scared and not really ready, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be a mom. Kellen is already the joy of my life and Kyle and I are both excited to meet him.
Happy Thanksgiving <3

Homework and Depression

I used to love the holidays. I feel like anymore they're just another day. I have lost a huge sense of caring and compassion and I really hope it comes back when little man is born. I am under an immense amount of stress and all I want is to spend days in bed and asleep. Kyle of course is being wonderful. Rubbing my back, feet and legs, and he even took me out to eat at Denny's last night. I just cannot get my mind right anymore. I'm scared for the fact that I am sad. It is absolutely insane to think that there are 98 days left of this, at least. I am trying to be happy about him coming and I'm trying to be thankful that I have him and Kyle and the booboo puppy. My parents are for the most part wonderful and Kyles parents too. I just can't wrap my mind around the horrible tearing apart my heart feels anymore.

I go to the doctor right after thanksgiving. I'm really ready to have all the holidays over and just be back to my normal self.

but what was once normal never will be again.

Gifts from Grandma

My grandmother gave me a bunny rabbit for little Kellen. She also crocheted a blanket for him which is beautiful and matches the one I had from when I left for college. She also kept my baby books and gave us one. Kellen is going to be so SPOILED! But we are all so blessed to be apart of an amazing family. :)

105 and Kicking Strong

Time flies by when you're having fun. I have been enjoying being pregnant and it has made me miss a few things I guess. I haven't gone out to parties with friends or done any of the stupid stuff I would normally do. I have become even more responsible. Kyle has grown a lot as well. For a 21 year old guy, I know it can't be easy to think about the fact that life is kind of done. There are no frat parties for dads. But by the grace of God I am very blessed in the fact that I have a guy that would rather come home to me sober and doesn't drink or run around. I wouldn't trade him for anything.
Today was slightly rough. Mentally, I'm not strong enough to handle everything piling up. Today was one of those days I feel nothing I can do is right and that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough. People treat me as if we planned to get pregnant or got pregnant just to stay together. This baby was and still is a huge surprise. But he is a miracle that I would never change. I would change the circumstances because I'd rather have our own place, have a decent job making pretty good money, and even more so, I'd rather be married. But none if those things are true. We've been engaged for over a year and a half. We live with his parents. And I wait tables. But Kellen is coming into our lives in February ready or not. I know that he is the biggest blessing we could ever be blessed with.
Today I was sitting doing homework and Kellen kicked my stomach and I could see it move. I took a video and had to send it straight to Kyle! He was excited! I think we are starting to get more excited but being young and ill prepared is difficult. :/
We need sanity and serenity in a world where we live in strife. :/

108 days to go!

I have just started my third trimester and the little bundle of joy is kicking like crazy, even more today. His name will be Kellen Andrew and I could not be more excited to meet him. My fiancé, Kyle, and I have been engaged for over a year this past August, and this baby was our huge surprise. We are working on getting our own place for our little family of soon to be four since our puppy Karson counts too. I have been getting quite nervous lately since I have to find an internship and if I don't, I can't graduate in May when I'm supposed to. I know I can do any and everything I set my mind to, sometimes things just seem and feel a LOT harder than they really are.

Kyle and I are heading out for a day date today since we both have the day off, and by that I mean I go in at 5:45. I wait tables so nothing is wrong with that besides being on my feet for a while. I enjoy my job and I'm blessed to have one.


I feel better writing this out even if no one reads it. It feels good to share my journey with the cyber world. :)